Happy The Road Day

In honor of this weekend's release of the (maybe not great?) movie version of The Road, here's something I wrote a million years ago for McSweeney's.

Brett Ratner's Notes For His Film Version of The Road By Cormac McCarthy

BY WENDY MOLYNEUX

- - - -

Possibilities to play the father/son duo:

• Brad Pitt and Maddox Jolie-Pitt. If so, have them ride around on ATVs instead of walking. Walking is boring.

• Will Smith and Jaden Smith. Loved them together in Pursuit of Happyness. Maybe talk to Will about doing a hot soundtrack. Would Will's wife play movie wife? Remember to ask. Also, in book, wife is dead. Rewrite this. Have her be alive and like blowjobs.
• Father needs "buddy." See if Jackie Chan is available. If not, maybe Andy Dick?

• If we switch the father/son to mother/daughter, get Angelina and Shiloh. Keep ATVs.

In book, we don't find out how the world ended. Must show in movie version. Possible scenarios:

• Aliens
• Robots
• Alien robots
• Girls in bikinis accidentally blow up nuclear power station by hitting self-destruct button with their big, round butts
• Or boobs

If we go with robots as destroyers of Earth, robots should still be chasing the people. Also, maybe change name from The Road to The Robots.

If we decide to rewrite as comedy, see if Sandler is available for May production start.

In book, the father and son find an underground shelter stocked with supplies where they can hide out and regroup. Change to underground strip club where father gets lap dance from two sexy Chinese girls (twins?). Wife is OK with this because she is bisexual.

Can this movie make $100 million? No. It can make $200 million.

Switch shopping cart to Hummer or Bentley. (Which is more apocalyptic? Look on Internet.)

When the guy steals all of their supplies, instead of making the guy take off all his clothes but then letting him go, change it to a girl who takes off all her clothes (Alyssa Milano?).

When the father and son discover the boat, boat should be loaded with machine guns and hand grenades. Also, smart sharks.

In book, they say "carrying the fire" and it's some kind of abstract thing about carrying the spirit of humanity around in a time of hopelessness. Afraid people will not get. What if "fire" is a secret weapon that will restore atmosphere and kill the robots? Or it turns out at the end that boy can shoot fire out of eyes and mouth? He's like a messiah guy, but a fire-shooting-eyes messiah guy.

Will need good sound bites for trailer. Maybe at one point son is sad about something stupid and father says, "It's not the end of the world!" Then son gives him ironic look. Love it.

Maybe they are not father and son, but one is a cop and the other is a martial-arts expert?

Everything takes place in Miami?

Maybe wife doesn't like blowjobs—wife really likes blowjobs.

Ha ha ha.

If you build it, they will come, and then you can eat them.

I'm not what you would call much of a cook. Most of my recipes consist of two parts, and my method can generally be categorized as the "Setting A Trap" school of cooking. 

For instance, here's a simple and easy lunch I made today.

STEP ONE: Set a place at the table.

 

STEP TWO: Eat whatever shows up.

The Sentimentalist

My friends and I made a video. Perhaps you would watch it?

Here it is: The Sentimentalist on Funny or Die.

Alison Rosen Interviews Me For Some Reason

My pal Alison Rosen has interviewed me for her high-tech web show, The Daily Alison. Warning: it contains scandalous revelations about my inability to smoke out of a bong correctly.

Also, I say that when I get married, I want it to be just like that interview. Then I say "I'm already married" but Alison talks at the same time so you can't hear me say it.

So, Jeff, if you watch this, we are in fact married. That ceremony in Vegas wasn't just a dream/nightmare. 

Anyway, watch here:  The Daily Alison

Oh, good god.

Is there a hole in your soul?

Things Other Than “Your Laws” I’d Like You To Keep Off My Body

This anvil

Those hungry chickens

That Honeybaked ham

New Blog

In an effort to blog more frequently, I also now have a tumblr.

Link:

HERE.

I Have A Dream

I had a dream last night that there was a blog devoted to making fun of my blog. I love that my unconscious brain thinks enough people read my blog to start a blog to make fun of it.

Meaning of this dream:

I AM CONCEITED.

Uh Oh

Quizno's just made a big move in the ongoing Toasted-Not Toasted sandwich war.

It's all fun and games until Tupac and Biggie are dead, people.

No. Just no.

You know what "works with harems?" Suicide.

Also, the phrase "shop all harems" makes me think that I might be able to find a new child bride. I am SO tired of my old child bride. BORING.

But really, this is the endtimes, right? It's plague, pestilence, war and harem pants, right? Those are the four horsemen? Mother? Father? Please hold me. So cold.

Stolen post.

So, I'm stealing this outright from my friend Arija. It's a fun game.

You put these three elements together to make a new Emo band's first album.

To Do This (from a Facebook game)
1 - Go to “wikipedia.” Hit “random”
or click http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first random wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2 - Go to “Random quotations”
or click http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.

3 - Go to flickr and click on “explore the last seven days”
or click http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days
Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

4 - Use photoshop or similar to put it all together (I used picnik.com)

Here's mine:



I like how the album title seems accusatory, like both the duck and his reflection might be wrong.

And here's another one. I am now addicted to this.





Here is Arija's.


That's all! Post links to yours if you make one.

My Failed Top Chef Dishes

Corn on the Cop

Hot Balls

Lube Burgers on Plates

Compromised Fish

Cup of Soda, Finished with Creme Fraiche and Remoulade, Served in a Trash Can by Someone You Hated in High School

Whole Onion, Lightly Baked, then Thrown Away

Your Mama

Nachos Bell Grande en Croute

Forks

Your Own Leg, Gently Removed and then Re-Presented to You, Pommes Frites

Bad Stripper Names

Sad Potato Jones

Mrs. Allen Haverstein

Margarine

Sean "Puffy" Combs

Spooky Vagina

Justice William Rehnquist

Phantom of the Opera

Pam

End Of The Year Lists

Top Four Things To Wear In 2009

Pants
A Bra
Some Sort Of Shirt
Shoes